im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
