I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
