When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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