oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
