dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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