My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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