Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
