the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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