Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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