I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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