The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
