Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Come on in and take your pants off
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