Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
