This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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