What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
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