Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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