I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
