can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
