Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
