I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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