I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
