At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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