Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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