my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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