Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
