How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
