You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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