Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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