new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
