i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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