Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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