the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
PANTIES FOUND
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
