I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
