upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
