Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
