im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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