I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
