I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm always down for nudity.
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