Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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