i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
