I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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