Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
