god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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