Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
