i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
