he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
