Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
