he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize