Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
