If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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