If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Dignity is for republicans.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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