dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How's work?
Spinning.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
