You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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