I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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