i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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